For years my best friend Alison has been begging me to come visit her up in Massachusetts. Normally I'm afraid to leave New York City because of all the born again Christians.
But when Jules came to town in July, I said "Why not? We'll be adventurous." A little extra baptism never hurt anybody, right?
The images that I saw that night in Alison's town will remain imbedded in my mind for the REST OF MY LIFE! Kind of like when Roseanne got married.
Alison said to me, "Aram, New Bedford has an annual Portuguese festival to honor the people who blah blah blah blah." zzzzzzzz.
"They have all sorts of great food." zzzzzzzz.
Okay, Alison, we'll go.
So we went. And it was scary! Jules looked at me and said "Baby, please protect me!"
I said "Don't worry babes, I'll just wear my hat like the rest of these douchebags and we'll be fine."
After walking in the dark, we got there and were greeted with this....this....
Let's just say that I know that I'm prone to exaggerration. But when I say that this was one of the saddest things I've ever seen, I'm not joking.
So Alison kept on talking about how people at the festival buy meat and put it on an 8 feet skewer and then cook it on a communal pit.
But when I saw the sign for the type of beef they were selling, I said out loud, "There's no way in hell I'm eating that." Click on the photo so you can read the sign closely, my friends...
Alison said to me, "You're not into this sort of thing? I thought you were adventurous.'" and I said, "No way man!. That's weird"
Still, I thought it was interesting to observe. Here they are putting the Anus Beef on 8 foot skewers.
They then "baste" the "meat" in wine called Midira. That's portuguese for "I can't believe I'm actually going to eat Anus Beef."
After you do that this guy comes over and wipes his ponytail all over it.
After the "meat" has been cooked you bring it over to the "meat remover." This is where things got interesting.
Check it out:
But the crazy thing is, that's not what the people eat!!!!!! They actually throw all that stuff away, believe it or not, especially the vegetables.
There's actually a saying in New Bedford that goes something like, "You don't eat the vegetables. Duh."
No, what they really eat is the stuff that the meat leaves behind, and I have to say, it's delicious!!!!
Julia was happy!
Then the shit got even weirder when these menstruals started going around singing music.
It was bloody weird.
Get it? Menstruals in stead of minstrels?!?!?! Hahahaha! Bloody weird!!!
Then Alison and Julia and Aram were happy!