scarum

Weird Shit Happens When You Leave NYC.

2010-09-19T18:09:00.000-07:00

For years my best friend Alison has been begging me to come visit her up in Massachusetts. Normally I'm afraid to leave New York City because of all the born again Christians.

But when Jules came to town in July, I said "Why not? We'll be adventurous." A little extra baptism never hurt anybody, right?

Big mistake....

The images that I saw that night in Alison's town will remain imbedded in my mind for the REST OF MY LIFE! Kind of like when Roseanne got married.

Alison said to me, "Aram, New Bedford has an annual Portuguese festival to honor the people who blah blah blah blah." zzzzzzzz.

"They have all sorts of great food." zzzzzzzz.

Okay, Alison, we'll go.

So we went. And it was scary! Jules looked at me and said "Baby, please protect me!"

I said "Don't worry babes, I'll just wear my hat like the rest of these douchebags and we'll be fine."

After walking in the dark, we got there and were greeted with this....this....

Let's just say that I know that I'm prone to exaggerration. But when I say that this was one of the saddest things I've ever seen, I'm not joking.

Yes people, that guy is wearing white polka dot spandex. And yes, it gave me an erection.

So Alison kept on talking about how people at the festival buy meat and put it on an 8 feet skewer and then cook it on a communal pit.

But when I saw the sign for the type of beef they were selling, I said out loud, "There's no way in hell I'm eating that." Click on the photo so you can read the sign closely, my friends...

Alison said to me, "You're not into this sort of thing? I thought you were adventurous.'" and I said, "No way man!. That's weird"

Still, I thought it was interesting to observe. Here they are putting the Anus Beef on 8 foot skewers.

They then "baste" the "meat" in wine called Midira. That's portuguese for "I can't believe I'm actually going to eat Anus Beef."

After you do that this guy comes over and wipes his ponytail all over it.

After the "meat" has been cooked you bring it over to the "meat remover." This is where things got interesting.

Check it out:

But the crazy thing is, that's not what the people eat!!!!!! They actually throw all that stuff away, believe it or not, especially the vegetables.

There's actually a saying in New Bedford that goes something like, "You don't eat the vegetables. Duh."

No, what they really eat is the stuff that the meat leaves behind, and I have to say, it's delicious!!!!

Julia was happy!

Then the shit got even weirder when these menstruals started going around singing music.

It was bloody weird.

Get it? Menstruals in stead of minstrels?!?!?! Hahahaha! Bloody weird!!!

Ha!!!

Then Alison and Julia and Aram were happy!

Moral of the story, don't leave NYC. It's fucking strange out there.

Italian Food = Fancy Shit

2010-07-10T10:10:00.000-07:00

Everyone always talks about how Italian food is soooooo simple. Simple, fresh, high quality ingredients. Peasant food.

That is bullshit. Italians are fancy. And they are loaded with dough!!!!

Think about this small fact. Where do Ferraris come from?

Where to Lambhorghinis come from? Masserattis?

Yeah, you guessed it! Italy. And those are some expensive, fancy cars. Italians drive them around like frickin tricycles. TRICYCLES!!!!!

So what do people who like fancy cars like to eat?

You guessed it. Fancy food. All that stuff about simple peasant food is just good marketing.

Italians are master marketers. They love going to the market for food. Get it? Ha! Okay I guess that was a stretch, but hey, I just went to the DMV and got my poetic license, LOL.

Okay, so here's some of the fancy shit I recently ate in Italy.

First of all, when you eat fancy food, you have to dress fancy and get a fancy haircut. Kind of like this:

Italians are also known for their style, and I was taking some of their cues. Note how my shirt matches the table cloth...And the curve of my hair shadows the archway of the door. This is some deep shit. It requires sophisticated thinking. But it's not nearly as deep as what Jules and I were about to manga manga on.

Check this out:

This was homemade pasta with bluefish and pistachios. It was really good. Normally I eat my pasta with salmon and a lot of cream.

But this is Italy, and for Italians salmon and cream aren't fancy. Pistachios are fancy.

Jules got spaghetti and meatballs.

Just kidding.

She got spaghetti with awesome seafood and guess what.....that's right!

You got it!!!

Wow! You're so smart! I can't believe you knew that there was seaweed in her pasta! Holy Crap!!!! You're AMAZING!!!! ESP BABY!!!!

Here's a pic:

We also got this fried fish dish.

I love fried clams at the shore. You get a bunch of tartar sauce and ketchup and mix it in with the clams. Gimme that with a can of Dr. Pepper and I'm in heaven. Culinary heaven, that is...

But in Italy they're fancy.

So when they fry seafood they do it up. Check this out.

Check out how fast Jules hands are moving!

I said "Jules, they only gave us lemons to put on the fish. No matter what type of magic you try and do with your hands, they ain't changing to tartar sauce."

She started crying really hard, mumbling "Tartar sauce, that's all I wanted from you."

I said, "Don't worry baby, I'll get you your farter sauce."

Anyway, the fish was good. They didn't have Dr. Pepper, but we had a white wine with it that was from a fancy sounding place.

After dinner we got gelato from a fancy gelato place. I don't have any pics of the gelato, but I was sure to take a pic of this, wink wink wink:

I got tartar sauce gelato.

It was goooooood.

Then we had a romantic walk back to my Ferrari with a fancy view.

Jules got on the back of my tricycle and we cruised off into the night through the hills, as beautiful Al Pacino and Sophia Loren in a make out scene. Our hair swept back. Her arms around my waist with brief kisses of longing at each stop light. Bellies full and our hearts overflowing with the sweet nectar of fancy shit.

Pizza Vs. Amour. Pizza. Yes. Pizza.

2010-04-26T15:28:00.000-07:00

Italy.

For most people it brings up images of boots, fat ladies singing opera, and Al Pacino.

But did you know that Italy has delicious food? And I'm not talking about Chef Boyardee or Annie's Mac and Cheese.

I mean food that doesn't come from cans or boxes!

Now don't get me wrong. There's bad food in Italy too.

I don't even know what this is, but it's slightly erotic in a geriatric sort of way, no?

And pizza with hot dogs???

And we thought Pineapple and Ham on Pizza was crazy. Those Italians clearly have us beat.

But there's also really good food in Italy.

This past Valentine's day Jules and I went for dinner in a part of Italy called Tuscany (pronounced Tus-ka-knee).

People think it's romantic and stuff, which is why we went there, because as you know, Valentine's day is a day for romance and kissing and holding hands. And what a better thing to get two people hold hands with each other than to stuff em with pizza first!!!!

So that's what we did!

Now this place is in the middle of nowhere (no one spoke English, not even our waitresses! LOL!), but there were some fat ladies making the pizza, so I figured it had to be good.

For an appetizer we had mussels, calamari and these amazing little fishes with lemon and cilantro. They were amazing.

For her Pizza, Jules decided to get a pie with sausage and onions, because eating onions is great for romance! wink wink wink!

Don't worry, Mom! We only held hands! LOL! NOT!!!

Anyway, here's her pizza. Notice that it's heart shaped. CUTE!!!

Here's a closeup.

I decided to save my sense of adventure for dessert (wink wink wink, Valentine's day jokes, awesome!) so I got a pie with fontina cheese, spinach and cherry tomatoes.

Here it is:

Here's a close up:

And here's dessert. Tiramisu. It was so freakin good. I swear.

It was so good that it made me do this. Cover your eyes mom!

So now everybody, say Tus. Ca. Knee!

One more time! Tus. Ca. Knee!

Yay you did it!

Go there. For Valentine's Day. It's romantic.

Sri Lanka. Sri Lanka. Holy Mother of God. Sri Lanka.

2010-03-25T18:34:00.000-07:00

So people are always saying to me, "Aram, Have you heard of so and so restaurant??!??! It's great!!!!"
They're so excited and cute about their discovery. It gives me a special pleasure to tell them, "Yes, and it sucks."

The other day, my friend Lindsay told me that she and her husband Lev wanted to take me out to dinner at this new place they found. They said there's no way I would of heard of it. I begged. I cried. There's nothing worse than being taken to a place that you've already been to, especially if it sucks rabbit balls.

But to no avail.

Jules and I met Lindsay and Lev at their place in Williamsburg and went straight to Lev's car. I'm thinking, "Chinese in Flushing? East Indian in Crown Heights?"

Then Lev pulls out the EZ Pass and heads for the BQE.

Fuck. There's only ONE thing that that can mean. Staten Island.

For all of you non New Yorkers, Staten Island sucks. It's where you go after you die and you don't declare Jesus as your one and only saviour. And people in Staten Island are really stupid and inbred. Sometimes they think it's part of New York City even!

Silly Staten Islanders.

One thing that sucks hare balls (get it? Rabbit balls? LOL) about Staten Island is that to drive there you have to go over a big bridge. Admittedly, the bridge is beautiful, but it costs $12!!!!

Jesus.

Anyway, we get over the bridge, and I'm so nervous I'm almost ready to vomit.

But LO!!!! A light shined!!!! And ahead I saw that Lindsay and Lev were taking me for....Lo!!!!! Sri Lankan Food!

Readers, this place is fucking amazing.

Seriously.

http://www.newasharestaurant.com/

Everything was sooooooo delicious. Everything was homemade. I've been to India twice so I know what homemade Indian food tastes like. And my mom makes it. As do I. And when I go to a friends house for dinner.

Normally, restaurant food tastes like restaurant food. But for Sri Lankan, I only do homemade.
Seriously.

Here's us before the meal. Four beautiful people, getting ready to chow.

From left to right, Jules, Beautiful, Lev and Lindsay.

For an appetizer, we had a fried lentil thing. It was similar to South Indian Vadas. Really yummy.

For me the highlight of the meal was the eggplant.

Let me tell you something readers. I HATE EGGPLANT.

Eggplant crap-armesan. Eggplant crap-a-ganoush. Eggplant bhaigan-crapper. Fried eggplant crap.

It all tastes like.....crap.

So when I ate this eggplant, I literally jizzed in my pants. Never before has food aroused me so.

Check it out:

It was caramelized and was very sweet, with a slight spicy warmth to it.

Did I mention that it made me jizz? It was a little awkward actually.

The dal was delicious too. It had coconut, very different from Indian dal.

Here's a mixture of rice and eggs and things. Yum!

Okra, not slimy!

And for all you chicken eaters....chicken! Not slimy!

Here's a picture of the chef and me and Lindsay and Lev.

Sorry! I forgot to turn on the "red eye" switch on my camera! Lol!!!

So anyhow.

Get yee to Staten Island.

I think the fact that it has a Sri Lankan restaurant makes it a little less sucky....

Nah, actually, it still sucks, but not as much as THE UPPER WEST SIDE!!!!

BOO YAH!!!!!!

I've finally found "The One!"

2010-01-13T10:32:00.001-08:00

Today, my prayer was answered.

When I woke I realized that I hadn't written for you, my loyal fans, in some time. Earnestly, I prayed, "Lord, please show me guidance. Please help me to find a new kick ass food adventure."

As I was walking home, past the Apna Bazaar on 37th Ave in Jackson Heights, Queens, I looked up and saw a peculiar ad in the window.

It was for something called "Masala Pizza."

Could it really be true that my two favorite things in the world, Pizza and Indian food could be found in a delicate marriage of carnal delights?

I walked into the Bazaar and went straight to the frozen food section, and sure enough, it was true.

This is what I saw before me.

I started weeping. But as perfect as this story is, it actually gets better.

When I brought the pizzas up to the cash register, I asked the young Indian woman who rings me up whenever I buy something there, "Yo, Are these things good, or do they taste like shit?"

Her response forever changed my life.

"Indian people don't like frozen foods. We like fresh food. Every night my mother makes me fresh chapatis and curries. It is so tasty."

In less time than it take you, the reader, to navigate away from this blog, I was down on one knee, asking for her hand in marriage. I still didn't even know her name, but at that moment, I felt such a connection. A connection to the culture, the family, the joyous celebrations of food, music and dance. And most importantly, to the boobies.

"God, not only did you help me find the best food product in the world. You also helped me to find 'The One.'"

After she smacked me and the Sikh security guards forcibly removed me from the place, I went to my apartment and to heat them up.

Delicious and Convenience. Those are two words you don't often see outside of a Bangkok whorehouse.

But they accurately described Masala Pizza. Don't believe me. Check it out:

And this is how convenient it is.

First you microwave the pizza. This helps to lock in the flavor.

Then you take out your tawa and brown it on both sides. THANK GOD I HAVE A COUPLE OF TAWAS LYING AROUND!

Freakin Tawas.

Needless to say, I have neither a Tawa nor a microwave.

So I just heated it up for 15 minutes in the oven at 450 degrees.

I have to say, the masala pizza was actually pretty good in a "just got home from a long day in high school, need to snack and take a 3 hour nap before starting on my homework" kind of way.

Here's a pic.

And a close up.

Alrighty.

It's been a long time, but I'm finally going to divulge where I think the best slice of pizza in Manhattan is.

That's right. Sal and Carmines.

Here's a pic.

I went there yesterday with my buddy Brian.

Sal and Carmines is run by two old curmudgeony guys from Naples, Sal and Carmine. Hence the name.

We were eating and one of them came out from the back.

Here's our conversation:

Me: "Sal!" I exclaimed, as if we had known each other for decades.

Carmine: "I'm actually Carmine, " he croaked.

Me :"Oh."

Me again:

"Well, I think you have the best pizza in the world! I'm going to put it on the internet tonight."

Carmine: "So?"

Me: "Fuck you, Sal. Fuck you."

Carmine: "I'm Carmine."

SMOKE + ASH = AWESOME DUMPLINGS!

2010-01-05T09:48:00.000-08:00

The other night I decided to invite some friends out for dumplings.

Searched chowhound for a good dumpling place that was walking distance from the club on the Lower East Side that we were meeting at.

Chose Prosperity Dumpling on Eldrige.

We walked ten minutes in the FREEZING COLD to get there, and the place is way too small for all six of us.

I noticed that right next to Prosperity there was a restaurant called the Golden Unicorn.

It was packed with Chinese people, so I knew it had to be good. We walk in and the dudes sitting at the first table (which was piled high with empty Heineken bottles) are SMOKING!!!

That's right, peeps are chaining Camels in a restaurant in 2010.

And the movie on the flat screen had subtitles- IN CANTONESE!!!

I needed to brush up on my characters so I sat down facing the screen.

What other city in the world could you work on your Chinese, ingest vast quantities of MSG, waft large amounts of second hand smoke, and, and and? Yeah, I know, Beijing. You're a genius.

Anyway...

We sat down and ordered.

5 wonton soups

stir fried noodles with crab

soup dumplings (no pic), regular dumpling (2 orders)

5 Heinekens, 2 waters and cock sauce.

Everything was delicious. And believe it or not, for all this food, the waters and the beers, the bill came to only $36.

One woman we were with, Mia, said that the soup dumplings were better than the ones she had at the famous restaurant "Joe's Shanghai" a few days earlier.

Joe's Shanghai is known for having the best soup dumplings in the city.

Looks like they've had their ass whupped by this place.

And you know who discovered it? That's right!!!

ARAM SCARUM!!!!

WOOHOOO!

As we were leaving the cook came out, pulled a live eel out of one of the fish tanks and proceeded to bite of it's head right in front of us!

He said that they have to kill all the animals at the restaurant that way because, as it turns out, the restaurant is owned by Ozzy Osbourne!!!!!

No shit!!

Back in the 80s he invested in restaurants all over the world and named them all "The Golden Unicorn," as an inside joke between him, his wife, his mistresses, his midget brother and his "member."

See, now whenever you go to one of his restaurants, you have to say afterwards,

"I ate (at) the Golden Unicorn!!"

How's that for an mental image?

LOL.

But seriously, this place is good eats.

Check it out!

Swallow Your Noodle....

2009-12-27T17:12:00.000-08:00

Asia. It's the world's biggest country after the United States (Go USA!!!).

And one thing that is common throughout all of Asia is a love for noodle soup.

This past week Jules was in town, so we decided to check out two types of noodle soups from different states in Asia: Japan and China.

Believe it or not, the soups from these two places are very different. It's kind of like comparing the McDonald's in different parts of the US. What's up with the "special sauce" in California? I think they make it with avocado or some other over priced hippie product...

Anyway, whenever I go for Japanese Ramen soup in the East Village I start off by getting some Japanese snack food called takoyaki (translated literally as 'little shit fried dumpling hi-ya') on East 9th Street. There's this little tiny place on the south side of the street between 3rd and 2nd ave.

Here they are. They put mayonnaise and barbecue sauce on them. Apparently Japanese people have a penchant for mayonnaise, just like me! Who would have thought?

After that we went to Rai Rai Ken on East 10th.

The broth at this place is amazing.

Jules got a large miso (pronounced 'me so') soup.

When she got it I exclaimed, "Me so impressed that you got that. Me so happy for you. Me so not paying for this lunch you cheap-o bastard."

Poor Jules. She always buys me lunch. As she should....

Anyway, heres a pic.

It's tough to see because of all the steam (it was coming from my ass, not the soup). But there were these little black sesame seeds in the broth.

They're really really yummy.

The next day Jules flight was canceled because of snow (YAY!) and we went with our friend Matt to Chinatown to a place I've been going to for years, Corner Wonton. Matt and I used to play Dungeon's and Dragons together in Kindergarten. No lie. And we played in a band all throughout high school. And he still claims that he didn't make out with the 7th grade love of my life, Michelle, while I was stuck in detention. Yeah right.

Anyway, Matt has a PHD in ethnomusicology and is really smart, so we kept on calling him Dr. Matt.

But Dr. Matt thought he was the doctor of noodle soup, which is of course completely false.

Both he and Jules got the same thing (go figure): roasted duck in wonton soup.

Dr. Matt was pissed that the soup was the best he ever had, as he thought that he knew where the best place in the world was.

He thought that giving me the "bird" would offend me, especially when he kept on saying "Duck you," over and over. But I just laughed.

Then he started pontificating about the differences between arcane types of singing in India and Beyoncee. I'm sorry Dr. Matt, but as sophisticated and subtle as that Indian music is, it's no match for just a few seconds on Beyoncees's ass jiggling on my flat screen.

Dr. Matt was confused by this:

Here's Jules getting "ducked." This photo is the perfect aesthetic symmetry of nose, lips, teeth, duck meat and fingers.

Anyway.

Noodle soup is good.

Get yee to chinatown.

A Dose a' Dosa!

2009-12-18T07:08:00.000-08:00

Dosas.

You either love em, or hate em.

I love em. A year ago I declared that Maharaja Sweets has the best dosa in the city.

I still think that their Masala (Potato filling) is the best.

But my love for Maharaja prevented me from exploring some other lentil/rice delights, if you know what I mean....wink, wink, wink....

Fast forward to yesterday. Jules is in town. She lives in Italy most of the year, and eats spaghetti five times a week, and pizza the other two nights. So we thought it would be fun to "spice" up the evening with some "Indian" food. Her friend Samita lives near me in Jackson Heights and recommended this restaurant called "Dosa Place."

I was a bit weary of going there, as I had been to the spot in it's previous incarnation, "Shitty Dosas."

But Samita is South Indian, so I figured I'd give it another shot. Accompanying us was someone else named Aram. Two people at the same table named Aram. I wonder how often that happens in an Indian restaurant. About as often as I smile!

HA!

Anyhow, the dosa was great, especially considering it was only $6. I got the the butter masala one. It was soooo buttery and crispy. Just like my lovers.... And check out how BIG it is!!! Just like my lovers!!!!!!

Here's a close up of the masala.

And coconut chutney and sambar. The sambar was great!

Jules decided to get the Thali, a plate of individual South Indian curries.

I told her she was stupid.

"Jules, we're in a restaurant called Dosa Place, and you're ordering curries? I don't care if you went to Stanford. You're retarded."

She looked at me and said "Mama mia," and then whipped out a plate of spaghetti and started throwing it at me. Then Chef Boyardee came out of the kitchen completely naked and started doing this tribal dance. It was hot, but then Jules started rubbing the spaghetti all over him and they started making out.

Normally I'd be into that sort of thing, but this was just nasty. Must have been all the basil that was in the "sauce."

Anyway, finally Jules' Thali "came" and I have to admit, it was pretty good. And only $9!!!!

Here it is along with a crotch shot of Jules.

Check out the close up of some of these curries.

I have no idea what vegetables they were, but they were totally awesome. If you haven't had South Indian curries before, they're much lighter than their North Indian Punjabi counter parts. In other words, you don't go into a coma after eating them.

And here's a close up of the Dal (lentils) and another vegetable dish.

One of the best things about Dosa Place is the chutneys that accompany the meal.

Most peeps are familiar with the sweet red tamarind and green cilantro/chili chutneys that are found at most Indian retaurants.

Dosa place has the cilantro and mango chutneys, but we also had two chutneys that aren't found at most places. One was orangeish and yummy. But the one I really liked was this red one.

I don't know what it's called, but it's made with peanuts, oil, salt and spices.

It's fairly spicy but also highly addictive.

I was eatin that shit like candy, yo.

Here's a close up.

Anyhow, if you're ever in the hood and are buttery and large, drop me a line and I'll buy you a dosa. My place is just around the corner, so it should be fairly "convenient," if you know what I mean.

Dan Brown - You Got It WRONG!!!!!

2009-12-05T03:28:00.000-08:00

And whilst they were at supper, He took bread and broke it.

And after He hath broken the bread He saideth unto his disciples, "Anyone know where Judas put the hummus?"

This, my friends, is where the DaVinci Code got it all wrong. The secret that the Church has been trying to keep for millenia isn't that Jesus had a child with Mary Magdalene.

The secret is that Jesus also wanted to serve hummus at the Last Supper!

Don't believe me? Well, here's a picture of DaVinci's Last Supper painting that had I had a special x-ray picture taken of:

What do you think all those mini carrots behind Jesus are for?
That's right people- they're for the Hummus!

So in honor of Jesus' B-day, I decided to let you all know about an awesome place for hummus that I went to recently called Mimi's Hummus in Ditmas Park, Brooklyn.

If you haven't had good fresh hummus, you've never really had it. The stuff in stores is nasty and inedible to even most vegans, and we all know the stuff that they'll torture themselves with by passing it off as "edible." Ha!

I've been going to Hummus Place on East 8th street for years. It's a great place for fresh hummus in Manhattan.

But I think that this place in Ditmas Park has Hummus Place beat.

Check it out.

Sorry for the pic quality. I had forgotten my camera at home and had to take the pic with my "dining companion's" IPhone.

Anyway, this is such creamy smooth hummus.

They serve it warm with homemade pita, pickles and olives. Check out all that parsley and the toasted pine nuts on top. The key with this hummus was the fresh lemon juice they squeeze on it.

It was like the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back." I know that's a wrong use of that expression, but what do you expect from me? It's not like I have an advanced degree from Columbia or something....

And check out that fresh garlic. It's delicious. But definitely have the foresight to bring some gum with you if you're planning on having an intense make out session with your "dining companion" after the foreplay of your hummus orgy.

If I had a dollar for every time I've made that mistake- I'd have nothing! Boo Yah! Because I always make out! The ladies are helpless around me once I bring them for hummus!
Woohoo!

Did I just write that?

I'm sorry. It's just that hummus gets me REALLY excited. It must be my chickpea bead fetish.

Regardless, Mimi's also has other delicious dishes.

My favorite was the cauliflower salad.

It seemed like the cauliflower was roasted and then finely chopped and mixed with some tahini. Jesus should have included this at the Last Supper too. Jesus, I know you had a lot on your plate with saving the world and sins and stuff, but come on, this was the Last Supper! Where was the cauliflower salad???? Next time, you gotta plan ahead Jesus!

And finally, the grape leaves:

Grape Leaves are like hummus.

Most peoples impression of them is that they taste like little turds, because they look like little turds. And most of the ones you get at middle eastern restaurants are cold, slimy and turdy.

But fresh grape leaves are delicious. These ones had a brown rice/bulgur filling and were warm. And they had this awesome tahini parsley sauce on top.

One of the best things about Ditmas park is all the creepy advertisements that you can see on the way back to the subway.

They make a great visual after dinner aperitif, if you will....

Anyhow, if you haven't become a fan of AramScarum on facebook yet, your missing out on the greatest experience of your life.

Here's the link.

And next time you go to communion, try bringing a package of hummus with you.

Trust me, the priest will know what's going on. That's why he's winking at you...

I'm a snob.

2009-11-29T08:04:00.000-08:00

First off- if you haven't already done so become a fan of ARAM SCARUM on Facebook!

Do it! Now! Here's the link.

Now, back to what you're really here for!

I'm a snob.

That's right. I admit it. When it comes two things in particular (and come to think about it, probably a whole bunch of other things too) I'm a snob.

The two things are apples and milk.

Surprised? Let me explain why.

I grew up in a quaint New England hamlet called Lunenburg. Thoreau "did" his Walden "stuff" 30 minutes down the street. It's that type of a place. There was even white church in the town center:

There were a bunch of dairy farms and apple orchards in my town, so I grew up eating crispy tart apples and creamy rich dairy. It makes it difficult for me to consume apples and milk from other institutions.

So in this blog, I will honor these two Lunenburg staples.

First off, apples.

My Dad and his father have been going to Sulin's orchard for over 50 years. We would go there every Sunday after church (Satan) to pick up a peck of apples.

Here's their Sales Room. My Dad said I should look on "the internet" to see if they have a website. Sorry dad, I don't think they do. I know it's your birthday on Tuesday, Dad, but some wishes just aren't possible. I know I'm your son, but trust me. I've wished to find true love since my 13th birthday. Not gonna happen, at least not with someone who's not on an internet chat room. Anyway....

Here are their apples. They have Empires, Honey Crisps, Golden Delicious, Delicious and Squash, as well as some utility apples for baking.

My favorite type of apple is the Macoun. It's a little sour and very crisp.

I like my apples like I like my internet chat room women - small, crisp and tart. I had a discussion about apples with the orchard manager, and apparently things ain't what they used to be (he's just figuring this out, LOL). In the past, people used to like their apples the way I like them.

But over the years people's tastes have changed. Now people like sweet apples.

Like the dreaded Honey Crisp.

Whatever.

Check out how white the flesh is of this Macoun.

I feel like I'm in Sweden.

One cool thing about going to an orchard to get your apples, is that you may find some unusual varieties of apples to try out.

We all know that Japanese culture has given us some amazing things:

Sushi, the crane kick, and jaw dropping pornos, but did you know that some great apple varieties also come from Japan?

After I ate the Macoun, my Dad slyly asked the apple orchard guy if he had a Mutsu apple.

Exasperated, I looked at my Dad and explained "Dad, WHAT THE F*CK IS A MUTSU APPLE, AND WHY THE F*CK HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THEM FROM ME FOR ALL THESE YEARS?!?!?!?!?!!?"

I then started sobbing and my dad and the orchard guy started throwing apples at me. It hurt. Then all of a sudden the bully from high school came out from nowhere and started pounding on me. Then the super smart and pretty girl with low self esteem who dumped me for the jerk because I wasn't as messed up as him started making out with him as he punched me one last time in the face. God. Why have you forsaken me? I thought this type of thing wasn't supposed to happen once I turned 25...

As a trickle of blood flowed from my nose, my Dad walked over, got into my face and chuckled, "Because it's an awesome apple!"

Believe me, the pounding initiation ritual was worth it! Because the Mutsu apple is HUGE!

Don't believe me?

Check this out:

That's right, it's actually bigger than my Dad's nose!

Anyhow, after filling our bellies with apples, my dad and I went to the dairy farm.

The chocolate milk from this dairy farm is the best in the world. It's so thick and creamy.

They deliver to your home too!

Here's the milk in it's bottles. They have regular milk, chocolate, strawberry and vanilla.

I've only had the chocolate. No sense in reinventing the wheel! Mammals know what's up, yo!

The chocolate milk is like drinking a milk shake. When I was in high school I would go there before my rock band practice and pick up a couple of bottles to "chug."

Look at the creaminess.

Well folks. Now you know why I'm a snob.

Any blog about my hometown would be incomplete without a shout out to my Mom for being such an awesome cook.

Whenever I come home she makes awesome dinners.

Here's one of the meals we had this time.

First off, her salad was ridiculous. It had this weird green (I forget the name), a citrous dressing, grapefruit and black pepper. It's honestly one of the best salads I've ever had.

With this we had some buratta:

Some oven roasted cherry tomatoes:

And last but not least some awesome spinach tortellini with a creamy squash sauce, freshly grated nutmeg and parmigiano reggiano.

Here they all are on a plate.

Shout out to Mom! And happy birthday Dad! We're going to be famous!

Thaim To Go For Thai!

2009-11-22T14:43:00.000-08:00

Normally I don't like to write blogs about places that are already well known, but today I'm about to break that rule with my blog about Sripraphai Thai in Woodside, Queens.

Other NYC food writers have long said that this place has the best Thai food in the city.

I'm making it official in the way that only I can by declaring that this place has the best Thai food in the city. Ahem.

If you are adventurous enough to go out to Woodside,

keep in mind that you'll want to order your dishes mild.

I went here last year with my buddy Matt (see cock sauce blog below) and even though he's lived in India for three years and speaks Hindi (who doesn't nowadays?), the spice of a medium dish was too much for him to handle. This is amazing considering he speaks Hindi. Right? Think about that for a bit- how wrong that is. Pure evil.

Personally, I ordered mine as spicy as they could make it, in the hopes that somehow the pain in my mouth would take my mind off the wretchedly pathetic state of my emotional and personal life. Needless to say it didn't work. Plus it gave me the runs the next morning.

But regardless, my "dining companion" was vegan. Typically, that means that she doesn't eat anything that looks unhealthy and as result, delicious. Like pizza. And milk chocolate. And offal. But Sripraphai Thai had some surprises in store for us.

The first surprise was the crispy watercress salad.

The verdict is out in my mind as to whether this salad is ingenious or nasty. I'm leaning towards ingenious, but like all things that are awesome in life, there's also something a little nasty about it. Kind of like Roseanne and Oprah making out. We've all thought about it, and there's something about it that's very intriguing and dare I say, arousing. But it's also a little nasty.

Anyway, here's the salad.

They take watercress and fry it. To this they add tofu, cashews, cilantro, mint, green chilies and a wine vinegar dressing (which is what I think tastes a little nasty). Every bite was a different taste. Sometimes you'd get the mint. Other times the warmth of the chillies. Sometimes the crispiness of the watercress. Sometimes Oprah's tongue licking the roof of your mouth....

And, despite the fact that it's vegan, because the watercress is fried it's not healthy! Woohoo!

For my main course I decided to get the drunken noodles. I don't drink alcohol really. So I thought I could live vicariously through these noodles. Don't they look like they're having a good time!

It's like a freakin Roman orgy! Look at the way all those noodles are rubbing up together!

With basil and tofu for Christs sake! That's it! I'm going to start drinking again! Thanks Thai Food for showing me the light! Time to go get sloshed!

My "dining companion" ordered the panang curry with fried tofu.

A note here for vegetarians. Most Thai restaurants premake the curries with fish sauce. So even if a curry is listed in the vegetarian section of the menu, more often than not, it isn't. To make sure that I'm not eating nasty fish sauce, I always tell the waitress that I'm allergic to fish and that they'll have to call the ambulance if I eat it, and I may get really sick and will sue you and your measly little restaurant if that happens. So go check to see if the curry's have it or not.

Usually they don't understand this, so I'll start making choking motions and talking louder, saying "I'll die! I'll die! You'll kill me! DiDi Mao! DiDi Mao!"

Believe it or not, it's actually quite endearing. But it also makes the waitress check to see if there's fish sauce in the curries, which there is. At most places, anyway.

At Sripraphai Thai, the panang curry was the only one without fish sauce.

I'm going to be honest here, something that I rarely am. This was my favorite dish of the night. It had a really nice burn to it. It just warmed cold heart right up!

Check out that white stuff on top.

It's coconut milk. With chillies and basil! Delicious!

So next time you're in Woodside, go get some Thai.

Until then, DI DI MAO!

Momo Mama!

2009-11-10T16:35:00.000-08:00

Prejudice.
It afflicts us all.
Let's be honest. We all have a little bit of something that we're prejudiced about.

This is hard for me, my loyal readers, but I'm going to tell you what my prejudice is.

For years, I've been prejudiced towards Nepalese people.

I think it's because my mother didn't breast feed me as a child so I never got to see her Nepals.

HA!

Seriously though. Most people think of the Nepalese as mountain climbers, but did you know that they can make dumplings too?

In Jackson Heights, Queens, I recently discovered an amazing Momo, or dumpling shop.

Bhim's Cafe.

They sell all sorts of stuff.

Now I know that I use the word "amazing" here quite a bit. Let's be honest, my vocabulary is a bit....I can't think of the right word, but you know what I mean.

But for real, these dumplings are one of the best things that I've had in a really really really long time.

It takes about 10 or 15 minutes to get your order, because they make them fresh.

Here they are before they've been devoured.

Aren't they cute?

When you open them up you'll see a wonderful mixture of cabbage, carrots, cilantro, ginger and spices. This is what life's about. This and making lots of money! And fooling ourselves into believing we'll find lasting true love! And foot fetishes!

They give you this awesome creamy orange sauce to put on the dumplings. It's a little spicy and a little sweet.

Here are my dumplings after they've been "sauced."

8 dumplings and a bottle of water is 6 dollars.

Best deal in town.

And when you leave you can see a picture of my two favorite people!

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE FOOD CONTEST!

FANCY! POLAND! CONTEST!

2009-11-10T16:07:00.000-08:00

So I'm sure that you all enjoyed reading about all the food I had in Poland.

One of the really nice things about the food there is that it is soooooooo cheap, at least by my fancy ass New York standards.

The average meal was just a few dollars.

But to really ramp it up, and have SUPER fancy food in Poland, one need not pay that much more.

Which brings me to my next point!

It's time for the "How much was that meal?" Scarum Blog Contest.

The winner of the contest gets something awesome! But it's a secret! I won't announce it until all entries are "in."

So here are some of the highlights of my bourgeoisie meal. Keep in mind that we also had appetizers, salad, wine, main courses and dessert! I even wore cuff links for this dinner. NOT!

Potato Pancakes:
Note the sage on top. It was so yummy. And there were these little berries on the side that mixed well with the creaminess of the mushrooms. And of course, balsamic reduction! So nou-fucking-veau.

CLOSE UP!

Jules got the ribs for her main course. She said they were the best ribs she's ever had. The meat just fell right off the bone. I'm vegetarian so I was like, whatever, and rolled my eyes at her lack of humanity. Just kidding Jules! You have lots of humanity. Note the balsamic reduction. So nou-fucking-veau.

Here's my main course: pierogies with a blue cheese sauce. And carrot thingies on top. And a little bit of parsley.Also, note the balsamic reduction. So nou-fucking-veau.

MMMMMMM!

How much was it all????!!!??!?!! Guess??!?!!?!?!?!? Research!!!?!??!?!? Do whatever you need to do! The prize is going to be awesome!!!

You'll be SATIATED!

Jules. Satiated. Note the balsamic reduction. So nou-fucking-veau.

Poland! Who Woulda Thought?

2009-10-20T05:02:00.001-07:00

So I've spent the past week in Poland. I've been here before but it was for such a short time that I didn't really have time to fully explore the local delicacies, if you know what I mean. Wink wink...

Just kidding. Whatever they tell you, I'm innocent. I swear....

Anyway, I can say with full confidence that some of the meals I've had here are as good as any meal I've eaten in Italy, France, India or New York.

That being said, stay away from Polish pizza. It tastes, in a word, like shit.

Ha!

But boy, oh boy, these Poles really know how to use their root vegetables.

For lunch yesterday I had a delightful meal of Borscht and pumpkin/potato pancakes.

Does that Borscht move through you, holy crap (pun intended). But damn is it good.

It's very hearty and yet light at the same time. You'll notice it has a slightly hot pink color (have you ever seen anything that's just "slighty" hot pink? I didn't think so...).

That's because they mix the red Borscht with sour cream. It gives it a very creamy texture.

The soup went really well with the pumpkin pancakes and sour cream. Check out the the big chunk of pumpkin in the one on the bottom. Now you know what to do with that Jack-o-Lantern the local teen brats are going to smash on your front lawn in a few days. Too bad you can't mix all the toilet paper in with it. Ha!

Both the Borscht and the pancakes mixed perfectly with the salad. Poland has awesome salads.

Note the dill. It's ill. Yo! Rapping about fresh herbs. How low can I go? Just you wait, baby.

This meal complemented really well with the lunch I had today.

It was an even tastier Borscht. Who would of thought that beets could be so much fun?

Check out this Borscht.

Note the steam.
This broth was very clear and had none of the sour cream that was in yesterday's borscht.

But it didn't need it. The broth was so complex, with herbs and a slightly smoky flavor.

And inside this broth, in all their glory, five little mushroom dumplings. They were so cute and...precious...that I bit into them!

Really!

Who would have thought that mushroom dumplings could offer my troubled soul a glimmer of so much hope and joy? For an instant, I knew that everything would be okay. That the visions would stop. All because of a simple fungus.

Here's a pic of the dumpling.

So after eating these two delightful meals, I ate the best donut I've ever had in my life.

Let me tell you about me and donuts.

Donuts and I go way back.

Like before Jesus and Noah and the Big Bang (wasn't that the name of a movie made in the 70's or something? I seem to recall seeing a copy of it in my Dad's sock drawer when I was a teenager).

Seriously though. When I was in college I would go to the Henion Bakery in Amherst, Masschusetts every other day and get their chocolate covered donuts.

http://www.henionbakery.com/

I actually stopped eating donuts after moving from Amherst, because nothing could compare to them.

Until three days ago.

I was walking in the main square of Wroclaw (pronounce "rots-slav") when I smelled this lovely fried dough odor.

My nose led me to this bakery.

It's always amazing going to a place that specializes in one thing.

This place specializes in donuts.

The two ladies that run it aren't the friendliest. I thought they would gonuts when I took pictures of their donuts. Yo! Donut rap. The end is near.

Here they are:

If you go, get the plain one with jam.

Let me tell you why this was the best donut I've had in my life.

First off, it was still warm.

That in itself wouldn't make it the best.

What made it the best was the jam.

It was a raspberry-type jam with, you guessed it, ROSE WATER!

Holy shit.

So beautiful. It was like eating a warm, sweet, fruity rose.

Here's a pic. Note my thumb. Yes, I do bite my nails. It's a nervous habit. Because I'm such a nervous, stressed out, angry person. Ha! Just kidding. I think I'm pretty chill. At least that's what my therapist(s) tell me.

Anyway, here's the pic.

So yeah. Come to Poland. It's cool. And they love rap.

Belgium, Germany and Poland. What a Delight.

2009-10-14T08:57:00.000-07:00

In the past week I've driven about 2000 miles. Italy, Germany, Austria, Belgium, the Netherlands and Poland. I'm in the town of Wroclaw, Poland now as I write this, fully satiated from a meal of pierogies. My last 6 meals have been pierogies.

Two days ago I had them for lunch and dinner. And then yesterday I had them for breakfast lunch and dinner. And today I had them for lunch. More on pierogies later.

Everyone knows that Belgians are famous for their chocolate, French Fries (ha. I know I called them French fries. Belgians have a bit of a pet peeve about this. I wonder why?) waffles and mussels,

but did you know that they make an amazing sandwich?

I had one of the best sandwiches of my life this past weekend in Antwerpen.

I had just finished strolling through the city's charming Red Light district (oh is it charming) and happened to walk into a little restaurant to see what the local workers eat. The sandwich that propositioned me there aroused my most carnal desires.

First, the sandwich pimp took brown bread (I think it's just some type of whole grain) and put egg salad in.

I love egg salad- my mom's is the best! Shout out to Mom!

On this she put some sprouts, sundried tomatoes, capers and freshly cracked pepper.

It was awesome. The big pieces of freshly cracked pepper pushed it over the top into divine land. It was like a whip for the tongue. Seriously. I was in heaven.

Check it out:

Later that day we stopped at a rest stop on the way to Germany and sure enough, there were old ladies there making sandwiches. On freshly baked bread.

Here they are making mine:

And here's mine with a bite out of it:

Check out that bread. Talk about hearty!

Granted, the old ladies weren't into whips.
But my view while eating it made up for that:

Not bad, eh?

So the next day we were in Berlin. One thing I've found whenever I eat Italian food in Germany is that it has a distinctively German feel to it. Same thing with Indian and Thai.

This isn't bad. It's just that it's a little different than the food in Italy. The sauces tend to be heavier. But it's still good!

Across the street from the club we played at we had a great meal at this little Italian bistro.

We started out with some bruschetta and olives.

Mmmmmm.

Shanir and I both got soups for an appetizers.

Shanir decided to get the carrot, apple ginger soup.

It was good on the first bite but then became a little overwhelming.

I decided to go with the tomato soup.

This ain't no Campbell's. Baby.

For my main course I got some cantelloni's stuffed with Ricotta and Spinach.

It's basically a manicotti. But it was one of the best manicottis I've ever had.

It was served on a bed of arugula with a tomato sauce and pine nuts on top.

Soooooo good.

The next day we drove from Berlin to Poland.

Interesting drive. Lots of transvestite prostitutes on the highway.

I didn't realize that people were actually into that. I guess now I'm a bit more "worldly."

Anyway, I had some of the best pierogies of my life at this rest stop about an hour into Poland.

For those of you who don't like pierogies, it's because you've never had them in Poland.

They are amazing here.

These are the Ruski ones- stuffed with potato and cheese and served with fried onions.

The sour cream sauce has garlic and is mmmmmmm good.

Check it out.

They're so hearty and yummy.

So now that my tour is over, I'm chilling in Poland for a bit. The town of Wroclaw is beautiful. There's all these little cafes where you can sit and intellectualize. I had the best hot chocolate I've ever tasted in my life at one of these cafes yesterday.

Who would have known that you could get such amazing hot chocolate in Poland of all places.
They actually have these hot chocolate machines at coffee shops in Poland. It makes this thick, rich almost pudding like substance.

I had one hot chocolate that actually had bits of coconut in it. They put this yummy whipped cream on top.

I love "whipped" cream.

So this weekend I'm heading to Krakow, where I'll be exploring the Jewish quarter and the rest of the city by bike. Apparently there this amazing ice cream shop near the hotel that I'm staying at. It's so amazing that it's known throughout Europe. We'll see if it's as good as Carroll Gardens Creamery, though. I doubt it.

Mama Mia! More Italiano!

2009-10-04T10:34:00.000-07:00

So now my tour has brought me to Italy.

When I crossed the border in the Alps I said "Mama Mia!" For real.

My first night in Italy I had dinner before the gig with my friend Jules (See cock sauce noodles blog below) at this restaurant in Faenza.

We asked some Italians for a good place, and went on a wild goose chase for about 30 minutes, only to find out that the place was closed. But then these other Italians took us to another place.

It was in the basement of an old Italian building.

Here's what it looked like:

I know the place looks empty but we were eating at 8PM which is early by Italian standards.

It was a really cool place. Sorry my adjectives suck. I'm tired. Deal with it. Replace my adjectives with your own more fancy ones. It's fun!

First we ordered a Greek Salad.

The tomatoes were awesome, but I was a little disappointed that they used canned olives.

Jules decided to get the tortellini with butter sage sauce.

It was okay, but I've definitely had better.

But Holy crap readers.

The best thing was the porcini mushroom and nettle lasagna.

Italians love nettles.

There a green thorny plant. You don't want to meddle with nettles.

Ha ha! Lol.

I know it doesn't look so tasty but it was soooooooo good!

Really earthy tasting. I'm definitely down with nettles now!

So after we ate here, we went back to the club.

Turns out the club owner is an amazing chef.

She gave us a cheese plate with figs.

The figs were figgy, and this parmesan was the best I've ever had. Really sweet and complex.

Jules said the figs looked like glazed shit. It's true! Nothing wrong with a little scat play now and then!
LOL! Double LOL!

After this, the club owner brought out this peach gelato that she made with peaches from her grandmothers orchard.

I know all my readers will be surprised to hear this, but I've actually had better peach ice cream.

But this came in close:

So the next day I had off, so I took the train to Florence. It's just a short 2 hour train ride on a tiny train through the mountains of central Italy.

It was beautiful.

I was hungry when I got there, so I decided to have some breakfast.

What's better for breakfast in Italy than gelato!

I got pistacchio and cinnamon. I actually didn't know it was cinnamon when I got it, but it looked good.

Probably not the best two flavors to combine, but individually they were great.

For lunch I walked to the Piazza de Sinistra, or something like that.

It's far enough away from all the tourist crap that the menus are only in Italian.

Damn this was good.

Spinach and Ricotta Ravioli with a Gorgonzola Pear Sauce.

So yeah, tomorrow I'm back to Germany.

I'll have pizza tonight and will let you all know about it tomorrow.
It will be way better than Papa John's or Papa Gino's or any other Papa shit that makes you guys cream your pants.

I guarantee it.

I'm going to miss Italy, but that's the way it goes. Sometimes life's a bitch. At least I'm not bitter.

Ha. Well, maybe a little.

But not as bitter as the amazing fucking espresso I'm going to have before my gelato breakfast tomorrow.

A New Camera! Whoaa!

2009-09-29T16:18:00.000-07:00

Alright everyone.

I know I've been MIA for a long long long time.

But I'm back and I have a new surprise for you all!

I bought a new camera. Huge shout outs to Bill for recommending one to me. It's great. I love you Bill. Seriously, let's get married already.

So my loyal fans, no more pictures of awesome food that looks like barf because I photograph them with my phone camera.

I'm in Germany now, about to start a two week tour with Drummer Sean Noonan and Bassist Shanir Blumenkrantz.

It's going to be awesome. I love playing music. Almost as much as I love eating.

Ha!

So we always start our tours in the small town of Mooseburg, Germany and play a couple of local venues here to whet the palate, so to speak.

A couple of blogs ago, I wrote about making knodles with Lee and Sophie at Gunther's house. Gunther lives in Mooseburg and always lets us stay at his place for a few days before we start the tour.

Well, my first night in Germany I stayed with them again, and believe me, they didn't disappoint.

We not only had knodles! We had Spinach and Cheese Knodles! They were amazing!

Here's some pics:

Lee making the mushroom cream sauce to put over the knodles. Note how she deftly stirs. (Note to certain readers: add deftly to the word poem.)

She asked me to taste the sauce, so I took a scoop:

Here's me tasting the sauce. I'm making my "O" face:

Knodle on a stick, anyone?

Viva la perfectione! Knodle with sauce! Could life possibly get more perfect? Of course! But sometimes it's fun to ask questions like that as it makes you feel, for a few moments at least, just a little less miserable.

Stay tuned for more meals from Germany, as well as Italy, Belgium, Austria, the Netherlands and Poland! Whooooaaaa!

Italian Adventures Part 2: A Taste of Cecina.

2009-06-19T12:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had friends from France visit you only to see that they are getting croissants every morning for breakfast?

Or Germans who want beer for breakfast and go to the local bar only to find that it's (gasp) closed?

What's up with that?

When friends from out of the country visit me in NYC I take them for two things: bagels and pizza.

Why? Because that's what we make best here in NYC. That and despair. Ha!

I know you're thinking, "Wow, this dude has gone off the deep end."

Certainly, I have! But that's not the point.

When ever I travel someplace I always try and find out what the regional specialty is and the ask locals where I can obtain the best version of this speciality.

So recently I was in Italy near Pisa and I heard about this stuff called Cecina, a thin bread made out of Chickpea flour, salt and olive oil.

I was in this town called Pontederra.

I asked, or rather screamed, at this old Italian lady, "Where the fuck can I get me a good cecina?"

She said, "Walk away from the train station until you get to the kebab house. Then take a left. There will be flowers on the street. About 25 meters in, you will see a light emanating from a small shop. You will see Jesus sitting at a bench in the shop. Jesus will motion for you to come in. There you will meet the Be-atch. The Be-atch has run this shop for 30 years. All she makes is cecina and these pizzas that you can put the cecina on. Even though she's old and short, she's really hot. I guarantee that you and her are going to have a love fest after you eat her cecina."

I followed the directions. I saw Jesus.

Then I was saved. I saw the cecina being cooked by the Be-atch in the brick oven.

She slowly pulled it out. It was perfect and slightly browned on the top.

She let me taste a little bit as a "sample." She put a little pepper on it. I said "Jesus!"

Jesus came over and said "You have to try it on the pizza, mofo."

Her pizza has been touched by the hand of God.

It is simple pizza. Tomato sauce, some romano, 1 caper and 1 anchovy.
It was the most flavorful caper I have ever eaten in my life, bursting with brinyness. The Be-atch puts some of her cecina on top of this.

Here's a close up. If you put your nose on your computer screen you can smell the cecina. I swear. Also, note the charring of the crust. This is what fancy NYC pizzerias try and do and charge you $25 a pie for. The Be-atch charged me $1.25.

After I finished eating, Jesus came over and said, "Do you believe the word of God now, mofo?"

I got down on my knees and repented.

"Yes! Yes," I cried.

"Now go pay the Be-atch," he said.

"Happily," I replied. "Happily."

Italian Adventures Part 1: Even More Reasons To Hate Me.

2009-06-09T09:50:00.000-07:00

What can I say?
My friend, who lives in the small Tuscan Village of La Rotta says to me,

"Aram, there's this guy about a ten minute drive from here who makes this amazing homemade orange blossom gelato."

How do I respond to that? How can anyone respond to that?

By going on Delta.com and getting a roundtrip ticket to Pisa for $500.

8 Hours later you'll be "creaming" up a "storm" in the gelateria.
Here's a pic of the gelato in it's "Home". The pic is sideways, but you get the picture. Get it?
Get the picture? HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!

Here's a pic of my gelato cup and wafer.

I didn't just try the orange blossom gelato. I also tried the pistacchio.

Holy Jesus. I'm not a fan of Pistacchio ice cream here in the states.

But this pistacchio in Italy was heaven. It was sweet and salty and had the richest flavor of pistachio. But it tasted like the real nut, not like some chemical flavor.

It was. DA BOMB! YO!!!!

The orange blossom gelato was equally radical. It tasted like an orange creamsicle, but much more subtle. Just a slight hint of orange flavor.

If those blossoms could talk!!!!! I'm sure you'd get an earful about pollination and how some insects are "better" in the stamin than others.... LOL.

Flower sex is awesome!!!

The third flavor I got, (which was on the bottom of my cup) was Tiramisu.
It's what I always get at home and so I thought I'd try it in Tuscany. What the heck???!!!!

At first I shrugged my shoulders. Then about two seconds in, as the gelato was melting in my mouth, I got a burst of liquer. It was so damn fucking good. jesus!

go to italy!

After I ate this first cup of gelato, I told the owner that I was from Brooklyn and that I had traveled all the way there too tastes his wares. And that he was a master.

He said! "Mama Mia!!!" And then something in italian which was translated by my friend to this:

"You think I'm a fucking master you stupid American? Well I'm going to give you some shit that will blow your stupid nikes and baseball cap off. Eat my shit."

He then handed me this cup.

Just kidding! It wasn't crap.
He was actually beaming with pride when I told him he was a master.
He said "You have to try this combination."

It was a bit of fudge gelato and a bit of orange blossom gelato.

It was one of the most amazing flavor experiences I have ever had in my life.

So yeah, go to Italy and see all the art and stuff.

And then go to a small village in Tuscany and eat gelato.

You only live once and may die tomorrow. For real! Do it!

Ready for a Dutch Treat???????

2009-05-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

I love the Netherlands. It is the only place in the world where I can fully indulge in my wildest desires and fantasies.

Most of those desires all involve 1 thing: my Dutch lover Caramel.

Caramel always has a driver to pick me up at the airport, so I can go meet her first thing. Here's me with her driver and and my friends.

But you can also find her on "market" days, hanging out in places like this.

Here's a pic of Caramel in all her glory. Note the spatula. She likes to be spanked.

Oh Caramel, you're so rich and buttery and creamy.

The best way to "take" Caramel is to do what I call the "waffle."

This is how you do it:

First you take this thing that looks like an anemic turd.

Then you press it in a griddle so it looks like a flattened out regular turd.

You can shape these flattened out turds in a plethora of ways.

Plethora- that's what she said. HA!

Caramel likes the heart shaped ones.

After the turd has been flattened out, Caramel's friend, who's name is John, comes and cuts the turd into two separate parts.

He has a big watch.

Watch out for him. Get it? Watch out! LOL!!!

After he's separated the turd into two parts, John puts Caramel in between them.

She's the most delicious thing you've ever tasted. For real.

I call her my little Stroop Waffle.

So yeah, get one the next time your in the Netherlands, or you're an anemic turd.

The Knodle!

2009-03-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

My avid readers and fans.

I'm so sorry that I've been gone for so long. I was busy playing music in Europe.
For all of you loyal readers, trust me. What you are about to experience will be worth the wait that I've put you through for the past month.

Here I present part one of Aram's You're a Peein' Food Adventures.

One of my favorite things to eat in Europe is the Knodel!

Knodels are bread dumplings served in a mushroom cream sauce.
I don't know about you, but in my experience, anytime you get some dumplings and cream sauce together it's bound to be a wild night!!!!
This time in Germany I had the honor of staying in my good friend Gunther's home for a few days while playing gigs in the Friesing area.

Each time I go to Gunther's house, his daughter, Sophie, and wife, Lee, make me Knodles.

This time they let me help out.

I'm going to be honest, if I wrote out the recipe here I would probably just fuck it up and then I'd have all these people writing me telling me how I'm a shithead and my recipe left them with a crappy pot of bread water. So feel free to look up the recipe on a more fancy website.

But I'll still share with you some pics of the process.

Because as they say, it's not the road but how the road gets....????

First we took Knodel bread!

If you can't get Knodel bread in your area, you can substitute dinner rolls. I think.

Then we chopped up some onions, fried them in butter for a little, then added some fresh parsley at the last minute of the fry.

Doesn't this look sexier than Pamela Anderson?

Exhibit 1a:

Exhibit 1b:

We added this mix to the knodel bread with some eggs. Oh and I almost forgot! We added some nutmeg!!!!

Then I started to get all dirty and nasty with the knodels. That's right baby. I started mixing it.

Here it is in sequence. If you squint at pic 2, you can see Jesus.

Jesus Pic:

Next the expert comes in, Lee.

She is a knodle making master. She forms the bread mix into delicate little perfect dumplings.

Here she is making them. That's Sophie getting water in the background. She's 19.
Gunther told me to stay away from her.

After being masterfully formed, the knodles get themselves ready to be boiled. Don't they look cute?
I just want to snuggle my nose right up in them!!!! LOL!!!

Then they boil. For 20 minutes.
It's really exciting watching it. As exciting as the Saw movies.

Finally they're done, but the thing is, boiled bread on it's own tastes like boiled bread.

So while they've been boiling we've been busy making the mushroom cream sauce!!!!

First we fried up some more onions in butter. Then we added the mushrooms and made them nice and caramelized. Then broth and cream. And right at the end you add some fresh parsley.

Voila!!!

Here's is my knodle with the cream sauce:

In Germany, it's considered a manly thing to eat knodles.
Most men eat two or three in a sitting.
I ate seven, and then two more at a restaurant that evening.

I am a sexy man.

Don't believe me?

Well here's a pic of me eating the knodle:

Next week! The Strop Waffle!!!!!!

The Chocolate Strip.

2009-02-22T10:56:00.000-08:00

This blog post will not be perverted or gross.

I swear. Here's why.

Every couple of months I go to Difara's and get a square pie.
There's plenty written on Difara's - google it. Yes, it is the best pizza in the city. The day I went was the first day that 71 Year Old Pizza Maker Dom DeMarco made pies in 3 weeks. Apparently he was in a car accident and broke his leg. In the hour or so that I waited for my square pie about ten people came in. Old people, teenagers, construction workers, black people and Hasidic Jews. They all said the same thing- "Dom, we're happy that you're back and feeling better." It was beautiful.

And to me, the most beautiful thing about going to Difara's is that you get to see someone who has Mastered their craft at work. How often can you see an absolute master doing something like that? Think about it....

Anyhow,
after eating my pie this last time, I went across the street to Isaac's Bakery. I've never been there, but was craving something sweet.

What I ate change my life.

Isaac's Bakery is run by a Hasidic Jew, (the Midwood area is heavily populated by Hasidic Jews.)

I decided, on recommendation of the Mexican guy working behind the counter, to get something called the chocolate strip.

It was one of the best things I've eaten in a while.

Believe me- there's a TON of awesome references I could make with the words "chocolate strip."

But being Hasidic, I don't think that Isaac would be too happy to read them, and out of respect for him and his awesome baking- I'm going to hold my tongue.

If you get it, go on a Thursday or Friday

That's when they're made.

Mine was just out of the oven and was chewy and warm and oozing. It was perfection in food.

This is a pic of the chocolate strip "before" it's been cut:

And here's a pic of a half eaten "strip:"

I also got some potato bread. It reminds me of the Tortilla's that I had in Spain. It's like a thick omelette with potatoes, that's spiced with just salt and pepper.

I sliced some up the next morning, heated it up in my toaster oven, and enjoyed it with some chai (see below). It was heaven.

Anyhow, the chocolate strip was so good that I brought a piece over to Dom's daughter, who takes the orders at Difara's.

She didn't want it.

And she had never been to Isaac's Bakery.

But I'm sure now she'll go.

So all you New York readers, here's your homework.

First go to Difara's.

Then go to Isaac's Bakery.

I promise you won't be disappointed

Stinky Tofu....What more is there to say????

2009-01-30T12:43:00.000-08:00

I've had a lot of emails and comments lately about sexuality in my blog.

Some have said, "It's very sexual."

Others, "You're a pervert."

But the best came from a good friend of mine who also happens to be a poet.

She said something like "You really write about food in a very sensual way, which is good because food is very sensual, and not a lot of people can experience it that way."

For some reason when she said that, this image came into my mind:

God I love my chest. And fondue. And fondue on my chest....

Anyhow, back to food.

Every year my dad and I take a trip into Boston the day after Christmas.

We drive into Alewife and take the "T" to Boston Commons and then go into all the fancy shops on Newbury Street.

Normally they kick us out.

Afterwards we go to Chinatown past the old combat zone and find a restaurant to eat at.

This year I was thrilled, as the restaurant we selected had something I've been dying to try-

STINKY TOFU!!!!!!!!

Don't believe me?

Here it is on the menu.

So I order this "Stink Tofu,"

and it's this big deal in the restaurant. All the Chinese people start looking over at me and pointing and laughing.

"Hahaha. Stupid American!!!!!" they started yelling.

Then I got hit in the head with an egg-roll.

Then this little 8 year old girl came out and started lip syncing to the Chinese national anthem.

For real. Then another egg roll to the head.

It was really weird.

Anyway, the stuff finally arrives.

I ate one piece. It tasted like stinky tofu.

Here's my dad's reaction after eating his piece.

Please note,

this picture may be disturbing for some readers:

His quote after eating it was:

"Aram, that smells like shit, and it tastes like shit- NOT THAT I KNOW WHAT SHIT TASTES LIKE!!!!!"

Thanks for the caveat Dad!!!!!

To be fair, we did try other dishes at the restaurant and it was quite good.

The seaweed salad was particularly radical.

It had TONS of fresh garlic, sesame oil and a touch of chilis.

Here's a pic of it.

This weeks caption contest is for the above pic.

I'll make fondue for the person who comes up with the winning caption entry!!!

So yeah, I don't know how I can make stinky tofu more sexual.

It's just not a very sexual thing.

Hmmmm.

Have you ever seen those flavored condoms?

You know, the banana, rasberry or blueberry ones...........

The Best Chocolate Chip Cookie in The World!

2009-01-11T07:23:00.000-08:00

Last night I was at an avant garde music show.

I was talking to these guys and the subject turned to food. Somehow I started talking about the chocolate chip cookies at Levain Bakery on the Upper West Side (http://www.levainbakery.com/).

So I ask this dude, "Do you like chocolate chip cookies?"

Now keep in mind, this is an avant garde music show, so this dude is trying to play it all cool and shit. He says, "I guess."

WHAT??????!!!!!

I'm sorry, but in the realm of chocolate chip cookies, there is no room for coolness.

They should turn even the most professorial dude into a kindergartener.

So I said to this dude,

"What do you mean 'I guess?' It's a chocolate chip cookie! You either like them or you don't."

So he said, "Yeah, I like them."

No wonder the dude probably can't get laid.

He probably says to chicks, "Yeah, I guess I want to do the nasty."

Jeesh.

Anyway.

The Levain Bakery has amazing cookies.

Here's a pic:

I'm running a caption contest for this pic.

Put your captions in the comments section and I'll treat whoever wins to a free Levain Cookie.

The other cool thing about the Levain bakery is that they have a webcam that takes pictures of customers and then publishes them online every ten seconds.

You can go on their site and find the picture of you on the World Wide Web!!!!

I love this.

Here's me:

I have to say, there's nothing I love more in this world than eating a chocolate chip cookie while flipping off a webcam in public.

How's that for a fetish?

Contest winners announced in my next post!!!!

WET NOODLES!!!!

2009-01-02T19:25:00.000-08:00

I hate taking bus rides.

They smell. There's always weird people on them. That dude in the back? Yup, he's "palming one out." The bus drivers are creepy. They know about the dude in the back, but they actually like it. It's some sort of power thing.

However, there are some benefits to taking buses, especially buses that originate in Chinatown.

Food!!!!! LOL!!!!

Now, I love eating a nice noodle.

There's nothing that beats a freshly made soft noodle- the way it slips down your throat.

God.

One of my favorite places to get a noodle "fix" in Chinatown is at the Waloy Bakery at 67 East Broadway.

This past New Years eve I was seeing some friends off, so I decided to "satiate" them before their trip with some wet noodles.

Here they are before "satiation":

From left to right we have Ace, Rickie, and Jules. Please note that I've changed their names in order to protect their identity. For more info as to why I've blacked out their eyes read my post "My Dad Is Suing Me."

My Favorite thing to order at the Waloy bakery are their noodles in a peanut sauce.

It's $1.50

The noodles are freshly made.

The peanut sauce is on the bottom and to the top they add a tad of a totally perfect key ingredient: Scallions.

Now, as great as this combo sounds, the Waloy bakery supplies the perfect condiment for your noodles. That's right baby. You guessed it.

Cock sauce:

Here's a picture of my noodles before they've been "cocked sauced":

Don't they look perfect?

Here they are after they've been "cock sauced":

I usually make a circle with the sauce, though you can make other shapes.

I've seen peeps give a "little dollop on the side," a "square," and "little dollops all around." You can also make a "smiley face," but I think that that's kind of degrading.

After "applying" the condiment I mix it all together, say "Voila!!" and then eat until I have been "satiated."

Here are some of the employees at the Waloy Bakery "satiating" themselves. The person in the back is the noodle cooker. You don't want to mess with her. (you can click on the pic for a full size version. you know you want to, baby.)

The woman on the right was nice enough to give us a free chinese donut.

It was sooooo warm. Sometimes I'll buy a bunch of them before a bus ride and snack on them. They have scallions and are incredibly greasy. Think a French Cruller from Dunkin' Donuts, only savory.

Needless to say, we ate it fast!!!!! LOL!!!!!!

Here's Jules trying to steal the last bite.

I kicked her ass for trying to pull that shit!!!!

Wasn't much fun riding the bus with a bloody nose, was it Jules?

HA!!! LOL!

Just kidding. I would never break Jules' nose.

That would make me feel bad.

Anyway.

If you're ever in Chinatown in NYC, check out the Waloy bakery.

They have lots of other awesome shit too.

If you don't believe me, then just check out this:

Look who's "Mr. I Fucking Know It All, Mother Fuckers" now, mother fucker....

Stay in tune for my next posting "Kinky Fish and Stinky Tofu- The Perfect Combo."

I'm sure it would go great with a wet noodle too.

Voila!!!!!

MY DAD IS SUING ME!!!!!

2008-12-26T16:23:00.000-08:00

Hello all my millions of readers!!!

I know I’ve been away for a few days- been home in the small New England town of my youth celebrating the birth of our lord and savior.

On Tuesday, my dad and I went for a relaxing 4 mile cross country skiing jaunt in Ayer MA.

The nice thing about Ayer (prononouced ‘air”) is that there are lots of Korean restaurants located within it's borders.

When I was in high school I would take “chicks” to these restaurants on “dates.”

They would think I was all "exotic" and "shit" and start getting all "hot" for me. Then I would start eating the octopus "soup."

I never even got to second base after that, and we all know that second base is the best of them all (wink wink wink!)

Oh well.

So after this cross country ski jaunt, I suggested to my dad that we grab some Korean food at one of the local places.

We get there, and I kid you not, the parking lot is so full we can’t find a spot.

Keep in mind that this is Ayer, MA.

I don’t want to offend any of you who might live there, but let’s face it, Ayer is a "fucking" small town.

I was shocked that the restaurant was so packed.

My dad and I had to wait for a seat.

While we were waiting, the owner brings out a steak for one of the patrons.

Normally that wouldn’t be such a big deal, but they also brought out a pair of scissors for cutting the steak.

There’s only two word that describe my reaction to that: FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!

Here’s a pic of the patron, her steak and the scissors (they’re blue):

You’ll noticed I blacked out her eyes.

More on that later.

So my dad and I get a seat and out comes the lovely array of pickles that usually proceed most Korean meals.

They were delicious!

The nice thing is that this restaurant served two types of Kim Chee, or spicy pickled cabbage.

One was made with Asian cabbage, and was a bit more sour, while the kimchee made with American cabbage was sweeter.

There were also pickled cucumbers, daicon radish, something I don’t know what it is, bean sprouts and onions.

They were all YUM.

In my.

TUM!!!!

For a main dish, I got the Bim Bim Bap with tofu.

Here it is when it came out:

On the left is a sweet spicy sauce that you mix into the Bim Bim Bap.

Note the egg on top.

It’s fried.

It could have been a chicken.

Does that thought make you as hot as it makes me, baby?

Let’s mix it up baby, yeah. You know it could have been a chicken. Mix it up with your sweet spicy sauce:

That was nice, baby. Can you hand me my pack of Pall Malls? mmmmmm.

Ahem.

My dad got a soup. It was an orgy of pork broth, shrimp, octopus and noodles. Can't find that on any of your pervy websites, you pervy perv.

Here’s a pic.

My dad loved it.

I asked him, “Dad, let me take a picture of you for my food blog!”

He started getting all Kim Jong Il on me, and started spitting his soup all over the place.

“You put my picture on that stupid fucking blog of yours, and I swear I’ll sue your ass.”

For real.

So protect my ass, here’s my dad’s pic:

I blacked out his eyes, so he can’t sue my ass.

Same thing with the scissors lady. She wouldn't let me get to second base with her. Or first base.

Oh well.

Just kidding though, my dad isn’t going to sue me, at least now that I blacked out his eyes.

Anyway.

If you’re ever lucky enough (cough cough) to be in Ayer Ma, check out this Korean restaurant.

Woo Jung Restaurant

174 W Main St, Ayer, MA 01432

Tel: (978) 772-5742

I swear you’ll love it so much you’ll want to get all nasty with your Bim Bim Bap.

2008-12-20T11:56:00.000-08:00

AKWABAA!!!

As promised, in celebration of Kwanzaa here is my recipe for the West African Spicy/Sweet plantain dish Kele Wele!!

My junior year of college, instead of spending a semester in France, Italy or Spain making out with French, Italian or Spanish chicks, I decided to go to the West African nation of Ghana, where I took cold water bucket baths and contracted malaria. For real.

Ghana is an amazing wonderful country- the people are the some of the nicest I have met in any country (besides the South Bronx. Here's a SHOUT OUT! You know who you are my peeps! Waz UP!!!!!!!).

Ahem.

Ghanaians are always smiling and exceptionally friendly.
And the food there is awesome!!!!!

My favorite dish in Ghana was a street snack called kelewele- sweet plantains, mixed with ginger and cayenne pepper, and then fried.

It's the perfect mix of sweet, salty and spicy.

Here's the recipe.

First off, you need to get plantains.

Be sure to get the ones that are yellow and black and not the green ones.

The darker, longer and thicker they are the better. They should be long. And thick.

Like a banana that's way overripe.

Squeeze it. You don't really need to. It's not like an apple or melon or something. But you know you want to give it just a little pinch. Just a little.

That's right. Right there. MMMMM.....oh sorry. got a little caught up there. LOL!

Anyway! (LOL again.)

You'll also need some fresh ginger, about a teaspoon of Cayenne Pepper, about a teaspoon of curry powder (here I used a Shahi Paneer mix from my local Indian store), the juice of half a lemon or lime and some salt and pepper.

Here are the ingredients.

Grate about 2 tablespoons of ginger and then mix it with everything but the plantains in a large bowl and add a tablespoon or two of water.

Yeah baby!

Now, peel the plantains and slice them into bite size pieces.

Put them in the bowl and mix it all up.

Get your hands in there baby!! Get all dirty and nasty with the plantains!!

Here's what it looks like mixed up. This is two plantains:

Next, pray to mini Ganesha. Every kitchen should have at least one:

After prayer, fry the plantains on low heat. Here I used safflower oil, but you can use canola or even olive oil.

You want the plantains to caramelize and get nice and dark.

The ginger will get black and all nice and crispy. It's so filled with flavor!!!

Here they are frying away:

When they're turning a little black you can take them out and plate them and put the next batch in.

It's important not to put too many in, so that they can fry properly.

Make sure you get all the tasty bits of ginger too!

Doesn't that look good?

I swear, if you make this dish, all sorts of people will want to come over and eat your plantain.

I swear.

So this holiday season, make some kelewele.

For real!

Until next time!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE!

On Sunday night, one of my readers, Kevin, sent me a pic of his Kele Wele.

That's a euphemism for, "He sent me a pic of his rendition of my spicy sweet plantain recipe."

Here it is:

They look great- I love the way he caramelized the ginger.

Another nice touch are the big chunks of sea salt. That's classy.

I typically mix mine in with the mixture, but next time, I'm sprinkling some on top after frying the plantains.

All you other readers, don't be afraid!!!

Send in your pics of your plantains to shantiinc@gmail.com!!!!!!

LOL!!!!

WHAT DA F&% AM I PUTTING IN MY M%^$(&?????!?!!!!

2008-12-16T18:15:00.000-08:00

Three Guesses as to WHAT DA F%&& AM I PUTTING IN MY M%^$&#????!!!!!!!

Hint: It begins with the letter "D".

No, it's not a dufus.

No, it's not a droid.

No, it's not a douchebag (pervert- you know that was the first thing you thought of).

It's a DOSA!!!

And in my opinion it's the best dosa in all of New York City, at Maharaja Sweets in Jackson Heights Queens (73-10 37th Ave).

Why is this the best dosa, you may ask?

A lot of dosa places in New York make Wafer Thin massive dosas. And some of them are very good. But it's mostly to impress the restauranteers- skinny chicks trying out Indian food for the first time, who eat it all timidly with their teeth showing, instead of digging in and getting all dirty and nasty with the dosa.

To me the dosa at Maharaja Sweets is the only dosa I've had that compares to the one I had at a little road side stand in Bangalore India, for $.25 .

It is a thick dosa, not thin at all. This is nice because it soaks up the ghee (clarified butter) that is used on the grill.

But the best part of this dosa is the masala filling (a mixture of potatoes and spices) that are used.

The potatoes are mixed with onion, cilantro, whole chilis, peas and two ingredients I haven't seen in any other masalas in the city, which are key: whole coriander seeds, and fried whole chana dal (large lentils).

It's an amazingly flavorful mixture.

The coconut chutney on the side is also homemade, and equally great.

The sambar (a lentil/vegetable soup served as a side to dosas and other South Indian foods) is not my favorite, but is still good- thicker than most restaurants thin whimpy overly spiced concoctions.

Here's a pic of the dosa and then just the masala. (you can click on them for a big version!)

Please, do not drool on your keyboard. That's gross.

In addition to the dosas,

I also tried a new dish tonight, Sarsoka Saag (cooked mustard greens with mustard seeds).

At first I was afraid it was going to be like Saag Paneer (spinach and cheese) sans the cheese.

That would suck.

I asked the waiter if it really was mustard greens, and he said it was, but I still didn't believe him.

But when the dish came out I was very pleasantly surprised.

They greens had a pungent, strong mustard taste- it was lovely with the Jeera Rice (Cumin Rice).

The nice thing about mustard seeds is that when you fry them in oil, they imbue the oil with a nice pungent mustardy taste.

Here's a pic.

I realize that this picture literally looks like a turd.

I know that.

Let me reitterate again, so I don't get any inane comments about how it looks like a turd: I know it looks like a turd.

But, let's face it, it still looks much better than some of my past pics. That's because I actually brought my camera with me to this restaurant.

It's just a little blurry. So when you look at it, just squint your eyes, and it will look like a blurry picture of a blurry turd.

But really folks, it's delicious. Check it out.

The best part of Maharaja Sweets is that it's cheap.

The dosas are $5.50 and most of the curries are $8.

They also have one of the best samosas in town for a buck!

I love going there and getting two samosas and a chai.

It's the best snack in the city for $3.

They also have an awesome buffet for $6.50.

But beware all you buffet sluts who like to fill up you plate but not eat any of the food, all whilst laughing at the homeless dudes outside:

scumbags like you will be punished with a $5 surcharge.

Don't believe me?

Here it is, scumbags:

Awesome!!!

Now a trip to Maharaja Sweets would not be complete without, you guessed it, sweets (HAHA!!! LOL).

Here's there array:

With so many to choose from, it's a tough pick.

But I always choose my favorite.

Silver Boobies.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All of you Manhattanites who are pussaaays and are saying "Eh, it's in Queens. I'm scared of Queens because my mom didn't breast feed past the age of 5."

It's a 10 Minute subway trip from Manhattan to the Jackson Heights Subway stop.

10 Minutes.

People.

Go eat the dosa.

You won't be disappointed.

Coming later these week, in celebration of Kwanzaa, my recipe for Kele Wele, West African spicy sweet plantains.

Until then, NAMASTE!!!!!

Slices- Da SICILIAN WAY!!!!

2008-12-11T14:28:00.001-08:00

I love Sicilian Slices- As I bite into that extra dough and cheese I feel all warm and cuddly inside as thoughts of the restaurant scene in the Godfather Part One fill my mind.

You know, the scene where they're all eating in the Italian section of the South Bronx, and Al Pacino blows the guys brains out?

You'll never think of marinara sauce the same way again after that scene.

Which brings me to two fine Sicilian Slices I had in the past 24 Hours.

The first was at Luigi's- on 19th Street and 5th Ave in the Park Slope Section of Brooklyn.

Walking past Luigi's, you would think it's just a typical shitty New York Pizza joint- but within it's walls lie one of the best slices in all of New York. Yes, it sits up there with DiFara's, Sal And Carmines and you know, that other one(s).

The key is the herb sauce.

No, silly kids, they don't put "weed" on the pizza (I wish LOL!!! JK).

The owners father grows herbs (come on, stop snickering!) in his backyard on Staten Island all summer long. They dry these fresh herbs (ughhhh) and make a pesto-y olive oil sauce from them.

It's amazing. They put a hash... i mean dash of this on their already amazing Sicilian pie.

I swear, when you bite it it's like Jesus has come to you and whispers in your ear "Holy shit mother fucker, this is the best slice you'll ever eat, and you better know I'm your savior or you'll burn in eternal hell fire mother fucker, so enjoy that slice while you can."

Just kidding. Jesus would never say that.

But it is an amazing pie.

Here's a pic:

Go eat it, but don't let too many people know about it, as that neighborhood is starting to suck, and I don't want it to turn lame ass.

So yeah,

this afternoon I'm walking down 8th ave and 32nd street on my way to a meeting, and I walk past this pizza place that I've passed hundreds of times.

But this time I notice the ads in the window with a NYTIMES review stating it's one of the best slices in the city.

"Fuck that!" I said aloud to the shock of a group of over weight Mid-Western tourists.

Then I went in and saw something beautiful:

An upside down Sicilian Slice.

The cheese is on the bottom and the sauce is on the top- just the way I like it- if you know what I mean (wink wink wink).

What a beautiful slice it was.

The sauce was slightly sweet (they put a lot of onions in the sauce to get that effect), the crust slightly charred. The slice was a perfect harmony of yumminess.

Here's a pic:

Anyhow.

I've gotten an email about how my pictures look repulsive and aren't representative of how good the food is.

DUH!!!!!

Of course- they're taken with my phone!!!!

Someone buy me a camera for Kwanzaa (what ever happened to that?).

Speaking of Kwanzaa, I'm going to be away for a few days, but next week I have a special treat-

My recipe for the West African spicy sweet plantain dish, Kele Wele.

For all you all who celebrate Kwanzaa, you'll love it. And for Christmas and Hanukkah it's good too.

Frickin Fabulous French Toast

2008-12-09T11:49:00.000-08:00

Sorry I've been away. I know all of you millions of readers have missed me deeply.

But life is hard, right?

Deal with it.

Back to food.

Yesterday was my good friend Brian Meece's birthday. Brian is a sick ukulele player and a fabulous songwriter. He also works at the same real estate firm as me. But most importantly, Brian is one of the nicest, coolest dudes I know. Seriously. He's the type of dude that if you were alive during WWI, you'd want him to be in the trenches with you.

Brian has a tradition of spending his birthdays writing music- which is fabulous, considering I spend my birthdays staring in a mirror contemplating the question "How?"

Brian invited myself and Gus Rodriguez (another fabulous songwriter) up to his lovely apartment in Fort Tryon for some collaborative songwriting.

In true fashion, Brian went nuts on the the food.

First, his lovely wife Cana made a beautiful array of fruit plates.

Mango, grapefruit, pears and apples.

Nice way to start the day. Who doesn't like mangoes, grapefruit, pears and apples? I'll tell you who. Someone who's stupid.

Then Brian brought out the French Toast.

He puts a hint of nutmeg in the batter, and tops it off with butter, macademia nuts, and coconut syrup.

I took a bite of it and immediately spat it out.

"What the FUCK BRIAN!!!!???" I yelled.

Brian came running over, "What's wrong, man? What's wrong?"

I sighed.

"You couldn't take the time to toast the macademia nuts? You disgust me."

Then Brian started crying and I threw the plate through his living room window and started smashing my guitar all over the place.

"Happy Birthday, Brian. Happy Birthday" I yelled.

Just kidding.

It was seriously the best French Toast I've ever had in my life.

And I've had a lot of French Toast, if you know what I mean, wink wink.

Amazing!!!

Here's a pic.

BTW- I know that my pics leave a lot to be desired.

It's because I take them with my phone.

Maybe someone could donate me a new camera?

It's all in the name of food. For the love of food people! Give me money!!!!!

COCK SAUCE! It Makes Everthing Taste Great!

2008-12-02T18:51:00.000-08:00

SRIRACHA HOT SAUCE. This stuff is awesome!

It tastes good on everything.

I'm dedicating this blog to my brother Todd, who is expected to get back home from Iraq any day now. He's been there for 15 months now!

We make up names for restaurants.

Pizza Hut is Pizza Slut. Burger King is Burger Thing. Taco Bell is Taco Schmell.

Il Forno is Il Porno.

and Sriracha Hot Sauce is Cock Sauce, thanks to the picture of the rooster on the bottle.

But seriously, this stuff is great- a perfect blend of spice, sweet and garlic.

I love it!!!!

In other news, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I wanted to say how greatful I am for all the Spanish Restaurants around the city.

for $1, or $1.25 you can get an amazing Cafe Con Leche- espresso with milk.

I recommend getting it with half a sugar, as one sugar will make it sickingly sweet.

They taste great with just about everything, but I enjoy mine with the Pain Au Chocolate from Silver Moon Bakery ( 2740 Broadway @ 105th).

Here's a pic of the Cafe Con Leche (and Pain au Chocolate sans the chocolate- I ate that part first!) from the Spanish place around the corner from me- it's a great place. Going there is like stepping out of NYC into a different country.

The chickens on the Rotisserie smell so good, and are roasted in an amazing garlic herb rub.

The steam bar always has the day's lunch selections- go on Wednesdays for the Rabo.

And best of all, even at 7 in the morning, Salsa and Merengue are blaring from the Juke Box. AWESOME!!!

Los Compadres, (@ 104th and Columbus on the East Side)

The best thing is that you can get cafe con leche all around the city, and it always tastes great!

Until next time- viva la cafe con leche!!!

Taqueria Y Fonda - 107th and Amsterdam

2008-11-23T20:10:00.000-08:00

So yeah,

here's my first blog about a restaurant.

Tonight I dined with my good friend Sean Noonan
at my favorite Mexican restaurant in the city, Taqueria Y Fonda on Amsterdam Ave and 107th.
Sean is a bad ass drummer and one of my closest friends. After spending the day bashing his drums, he'll go swim a couple of miles in the Red Hook pool. So needless to say, he has a big appetite.

He suggested that we head up to the Taqueria for dinner tonight. Even though I finally found a store on the UWS that sells my favorite handmade Korean style tofu that I was planning to stir fry, I couldn't resist the Taqueria's charms.

I've been going there since my Columbia days, and it hasn't changed one bit.

Still an absolute dive, still has chicken, beef, and pork ears frying up on the grill, still is filled with shaggy haired Columbia undergrads, and uptight but green Columbia grad students. Your clothes still smell like a grill for the rest of the evening. And the Mexican music that plays overwhelmingly from the restaurants Jukebox will keep your toes tapping as you fall asleep that night.

Everybody's first dish here should be the enchilada's with red mole. It's beautiful and a perfect combination of chiles and chocolate.

The raw onions on top add a perfect sweetness. You can get them with chicken, cheese, beef etc.

here's a pic of sean's chicken mole.

Sorry for the crappy pic, but my camera is shit and the batteries die in about half an hour. So I took this pic with my phone.

Anyhow. Check out those nice rings of Onions. The rice is always so fluffy. and the beans.

Eating it is like having great sex.

My second favorite dish is the Torta sandwich. The cheese one to be exact.

They use a delicious cheese that is like the Armenian string cheese I eat at home, minus the nigella seeds. It gets all gooey but is still firm. Yum.

On this goes some beans, avocado, onion, lettuce and the piece de la resistance- a hot pepper.

It is my favorite sandwich- next to the Subway BMT- HA!

Here it is:

So yeah.

That's food blog number 2.

Oh yeah, I forgot the tortilla chips that they serve.

Homemade. Still warm. And with threes sauces, red, green, and green with cilantro and onions.

I'll let you guess which one is the hottest.

My first food blog! How to make Kick Ass Chai!

2008-11-23T14:24:00.000-08:00

A lot have people have told me over the years that I need to start some sort of food column.

So here it is. I'll include some of my favorite restaurants throughout NYC and any other cities I happen to be in.

I thought my first blog would be about the food item that I start each day out with: my cup of chai.

Right after my morning meditation, before I check my emails, or answer any phone calls, the first thing I do is make a cup of chai. Homemade chai is so easy to make, and tastes a million times better than the pale imitations that have cropped up at Starbucks and Mickey Dee's.

Here's my recipe. Feel free to vary it as you wish. It's your chai.

-----------------------------------------------------
One of the secrets to making good chai is the fat content of the milk you use. In India, they use buffalo milk, which has a higher fat content than our 2% or 1% milk. For the health conscious, 1 percent is fine, but I would never use anything less than that, as the taste would suffer too much.

Ideally, I use 1 part milk to 1 part water, though you can certainly add some more water.

The first thing I do is to put the water/milk combination in the pot and set it on high heat.

My morning chai is about three cups of this mixture.
I then add some freshly chopped ginger, about a tablespoon, though you can certainly add more or less.

Next come some cardamom pods. I usually use 5 to 10 and smash them in my spice grinder. You can also smash them with the flat end of a knife, and then use the sharp end to pick up the bits. The key is to smash them enough so that they open and the little seeds fall out. So smash away. Please do not use store bought ground cardamom. It's usually stale, and you can't smash it, which takes all the fun away!

I tend to add my tea to the mix after putting the cardamom in.

My favorite is a blend of 2 parts black tetley to one part earl grey. But experiment- its all fun!

Keep in mind that most of the chai in India that you get from the chai wallah is made with only milk, tea and cardomon, so the rest of these ingredients are optional and are based on taste/preference.

I always like to add some fennel seeds. This adds a subtle licorice flavor. Very nice. I usually out about half a teasoon in.

Mace is the flower of the nutmeg pod. It has a subtler flavor than nutmeg. I add a couple small bits of these.

Ginger powder. I don't know ow much this affects the taste, but a friend form Bombay tells me its essential, so I add it. Just a pinch.

Cloves. Cloves are really powerful. I usually only add half a clove. Even this can be too much for me. Cloves aggravate pitta, or the fire element, so have if you have a bit of a temper, skip the cloves.

Black pepper. Half a twist of the grinder. Adds a nice after taste. More is overwhelming.

Cinnamon sticks. There's nothing worse than chai that has an overwhelming cinnamon flavor ala starbucks. I prefer the sticks to powder because the are more subtle. If you must use powder only add a pinch. Cinnamon is generally the last thing I'll add, and most of the time I don't use it. But certainly experiment- you may discover that you like it quite a bit.

As complicated as this may seem, it only takes about 5 minutes to make nice warm chai every morning once you get the hang of it.

Once all these ingredients are in the pot I use a ladle to mix it all together. As the mixture get hotter and starts to boil I'll continue ladling it continuously. I think that as it steams, the milk becomes more concentrated and creamier, but this may just be in my head. Either way, I like ladling it- its meditative.

Once it comes to a boil turn off the heat, strain into a cup, add sugar and enjoy!

Chai making is the favorite part of my day. I make it right after my morning meditation, before I've checked any emails or made any phone calls.

When I sit down to work, the chai helps bridge the gap between the inner world of my meditation, and the outer world of the work place.

Plus it tastes damn good!!